Embrace the Suck

Forgive me for the delay in my October update. I had it done, and after sitting on it for several days, I realized, “Man I was in a terrible head space when I wrote that.” I want to be honest about the difficulties here, but I also don’t want to drag anyone down to my level. So, I did a little revising after having some time to think about it, and in that time several positive milestones were also made, so my perspective is filled with a few more embers of hope.

Even with this newfound optimism, I have kept the title for this post as “Embrace the Suck.” I feel as though I aim to remain fairly positive and encouraging, especially when it comes to my writing, but I would be lying to myself and you if I didn’t share the challenges that have made this transition one of the most difficult ones I have ever had to make.

Let’s face it, I am a city girl. There are charming things about living in a small town, and we have tried to make the most of the opportunities here, but I have been feeling so uninspired lately. I know we are blessed beyond measure, which then makes me feel like garbage to be complaining. We have a very quaint house, we are on a lake, and we have A LOT to be thankful for in many ways, but let me tell you, North Eastern Pennsylvania (NEPA) is something else. It’s pretty run down, you can’t get out and walk in our area which is a huge bummer for me, and although the Autumn is lovely, there is a sense of entrapment here that I have never experienced in a place we have lived before. Some would probably completely groove on this lifestyle, but it is not my flavor.

Someone told me (who is from the area) before we arrived that the trees in NEPA come in all around you, and there is a lack of vastness to the landscape. I would say that that was a very accurate depiction. Apart from a few farm views just over the hill from our house, I have found this to be very true. I love the feeling of big skies, and views that stretch for miles. I find that type of panorama to be truly awe-inspiring, and I guess something that people stand in amazement at when they visit Alaska… something perhaps I didn’t realize that I would miss, because it just didn’t occur to me that it wouldn’t be everywhere. We had a similar view in Poland, and while we were in Virginia, we lived in a high-rise apartment building so I got the grand city view that I love.

Now, this takes me to the “embracing the suck.” Another individual told me before we left that you find God in Nature (perhaps in their quest to be encouraging or remind me of what’s important), and I have wrestled with that a lot since arriving. The statement honestly made me feel very inadequate and that I was doomed to never grow close to Christ. I have had some joyful moments with Christ in all settings, and I didn’t want to believe I had to be stuck out in what feels like the middle of nowhere to grow in my faith.

The days here have been long, difficult, and aimless, but I made the mental decision a few days ago that for me to get through this, I have to take it one day at a time and pray as I have never prayed before. I guess this is my version of “finding God in nature.” Not quite the romantic notion I had in mind when hearing that phrase, but if it brings me close to God, I know it will have all been worth it. In my humble opinion “finding God in nature” doesn’t mean we have to live in the middle of nowhere or hike up some grand mountainscape (because some people love that), it means we must take ourselves away from the distractions that we love and that comfort us. Again, in my theologically inadequate opinion, “embracing the suck” is where we find God. Then, at some point, we will likely find ourselves back into the darts of distraction with a new appreciation for our relationship with Christ, and hopefully, a grounded heart that will keep us clinging to Him.

Even though I secretly wish for this to be the fastest 3 years of my life, like I said, I am working on taking things as they come and trying to not look too far off into the future. I have upped my weekly attendance to evening Vespers, which has helped greatly. Of course, being in prayer is the most important aspect of this outing, but from a practical perspective, it has given Otis and me a landmark during the day which to schedule around. Plus, if I am lucky, Otis falls asleep on the drive, and I can peacefully pray without running herd on him. ;)

I also decided to embrace that this is not what I thought it was going to be. Not that I had any particular expectations, but whatever they were or weren’t, this wasn’t it. Fostering friendships was one of my biggest worries upon arriving here. So, I decided to host a gathering this past Saturday, and it turned out great! I hope people had a nice time, and it was so nice to spend time with many of the wives in a more relaxed setting and get to know people outside of seminary wife life. Figuring out how things run here is interesting, and changing my expectations about how I think things should be run is something I am trying to humbly accept. Yes, very good for my pride. Hah!

Also, since we are Antiochian at an OCA (Orthodox Church of America) seminary, we don’t interact as organically with all the other families. This is both a blessing and a curse. We are out of the “bubble” which is wonderful, but we don’t attend regular Sunday services with the other families so we don’t have much of an opportunity to connect, and Otis doesn’t have as much of an opportunity to play with the other kids. However, we are working to see people as much as our schedules allow. The recent Fall Harvest Festival and Pizza with the Bishop night was a great start.

I honestly think so much of my struggle could be explained by the intense amount of fluctuation our lives have undergone in the past 5 months. From moving back from Poland, going to Alaska for a short time, selling the condo, living in my parent’s house, then taking the long trek to get here, and then having to set up and deep clean this house, I finally feel like we are getting a glimpse at a rhythm which is always half the battle. Something I know many people here can relate to.

I am thankful for the moments of hope that transpired this past week: going tricking or treating with our fellow Antiochian family, making connections with other wives, getting to know the new professor at St. Tikhon’s who is a Chaplain (that has been wonderful(!) - military people just get other military people), and for the upcoming events of this weekend. So, for now, I am working on embracing the suck, and praying that that embrace will one day be joyful. We are so grateful to all those of you who support us in myriad ways. I don’t know if we will be making it back to Alaska any time soon, but as soon we are able, we will be there! We humbly ask for you to keep us in your prayers, and thank you for lending a listening ear.

Stay tuned for our November update. God willing, we look forward to sharing some exciting news about Alexis!

Lots of Love from PA,

The Clods

Side note: I am bound and determined to keep working on my piano skills (thanks mom and dad for the amazing piano!) so that the gospel album can become a real reality. Look out for 2023!

Photos of various gatherings: Halloween, the Antiochian crew, and ladies' night. There are two pictures of beautiful churches we have been able to visit... the inside one is of a Ukrainian Orthodox church across from our parish assignment in Allentown, and the second is of a church we pass on our drive every Sunday, and I just think it's lovely. Also worth noting...walking through the Wegmans parking lot... yes!! I found the Wegmans, and I go there to boost my mood now. Hahaha!