How the Military Has Prepared Us, Part 2

Wow! September came and went in the blink of an eye. School started for Alexis and Otis. Otis is thriving, and we are so thankful. We couldn’t be happier with the environment we chose for him. It reminds Alexis and me of the Orthodox Christian school we attended growing up, and seeing our son grow in a similar environment is lovely.

Classes also kicked off for Alexis at the start of the month, and he is enjoying embarking on year 2! Can you believe it!? We can’t, but it feels great, and we are so thankful. In addition to school starting, some exciting things started to FINALLY step into place for Alexis concerning the military side of our lives. He officially has his conditional release from the Alaska National Guard, and the momentum of switching to the Army Reserves is taking place. God willing, he will take a board in October sometime to seal the deal, and after that, he can begin weekend drills, which means, yay(!), a small monthly income, which would be such a blessing. Additionally, it means Alexis can officially be admitted into the Chaplain Candidate Program. Since our goal is to serve as an Active-Duty Army family when this is all said and done, it will open the doors to jobs nationwide and overseas instead of being tied to the state of Alaska.

All this leads me to continue my previous post about How the Military Has Prepared Us. We have thought a lot about how seminary parallels military life in many ways. As well as how our life in the military up to this point has been helpful in preparation for the vocation to come. If I could write a love letter of sorts/ words of advice to incoming seminarians, these are some of the things I would share, as they have been helpful “philosophies” for our family every time we have had to transition.

Allow Transition

To start, the biggest thing I can say is ALLOW TIME TO TRANSITION! When we came here to St. Tikhon’s, we were among a small minority who did not embrace this environment quickly. Many of our counterparts came in with a fiery zeal that we did not possess; however, through experience, we have found that (at least for us) we function better when we allow ourselves time to transition and feel all the feelings: good, bad, and ugly, and then after a period of going through those feelings we say to ourselves, “Okay, it’s time to buckle down and find the positive.” A sub-thought would be to say, “Be honest with yourself and others.” Authenticity is beautiful; no one can tell anyone else how they should feel. I believe that giving oneself time to transition into new phases allows one to create a positive, hopeful, genuine environment.

Boundaries & Communication

Secondly, cultivate your boundaries and do what works for your family. Some of the areas we focus on include:

· Fostering appropriate boundaries with self… this means we know our personal limitations and vocalize when something might not be working

· Creating a healthy work/life balance… In both the military and in seminary (which will continue on into full-time pastoral care), we practice prioritizing the Homefront. As the rector of our school has reminded us, “[We are spouses first, then parents, and lastly laborers for the church.]” If we prioritize these out of order, our labor for the church could all be in vain…our work in the church means nothing if our family life is falling apart.

· Supporting each other as a married couple... We had to learn to talk and be open with one another early in our marriage because of the immense separation we face in military life. We have learned that it's difficult to maintain structure if we don’t communicate clearly with one another. This is important for any household, but we found that we had to work double time considering our circumstances, and when uncomfortable conversations need to happen, we have them. We may not want to, but we do it anyway for the sake of our family. Ultimately, we create an environment of trust that is easy to communicate within.

· *This one is a biggy… we don’t allow others to tell us what works. Sure, we might listen and take some advice once we filter through it, but at the end of the day, only our Spiritual Father and we know what works best for us.

A lot of this might sound like basic marriage advice, but it seems especially crucial to me to nail these down if you’re going to journey on the path to trying to help others. Something people don’t talk about a lot (or perhaps know) is that infidelity in the military is rampant. We know that a considerable part of our ministry will include counseling couples through this, so we feel it’s essential to have our own lines of communication very clearly laid out; otherwise, how on earth can we hope to help others?

Friendship

Friendship in the military world is much like friendship here at the seminary. We know we aren’t going to be around one another for an extended period of time. Still, we have an opportunity to embrace making some meaningful connections with like-minded Orthodox Christians. Some highlights on this topic include the following:

Be the Bestie You Would Want

One of the traits I most admire in others is the ability to treat every new person they meet as though they have been best friends since childhood. This is not a trait I innately possess, but I have worked on it and try very hard to treat others this way because I know how much it means to me. Time is precious when you move from place to place, so dive in and love everyone around you! This is also a quick way to find those people you will connect with the most.

We had an “interesting” experience with many people when we first came here. I quickly felt swallowed up by social anxiety and uncomfortable behaviors, which made me hide in my shell… something I thought I no longer did. Seminary has an uncomfortable way of making us look our shortcomings square in the face. Come to seminary if you ever want to work on the things you hate about yourself. Hah! Stories for another time, perhaps. 😉 Anyway, this year, I am trying to embrace a new attitude and to be the person I want someone to be for me.

Take it Easy

I am also huge on not forcing friendships. If it just isn’t working with someone, that’s okay. You can still be kind and enjoy their presence when you see them, but you don’t have to go out of your way to be besties with everyone. Maybe that’s your jam, but if it isn’t, that’s okay too. As a priest I know once said, “You’re not going to like everyone, and not everyone is going to like you.”

Be Open to the Unexpected

Someone's resume of who they are doesn’t necessarily mean you will click just because it would appear on paper that you should. One of the things I have learned is to not judge a book by its cover. Someone who might, on the outside, look like a “bad fit” might end up being the best gal pal you could have ever imagined, and I know from personal experience that that has been true in my own life.

Be Thankful for Just One

Every place I have ever lived, I always hope for just one… all it takes is one soul sister with whom I can be my most comfortable self. Thankfully, God has blessed me by giving me those individuals along the way, and I find it an absolute treasure when I get to have more than one. Nothing will probably ever compare to my she-wolf pack in my beautiful Alaska, but I have made some real connections with some fantastic women over the years.

Separation

Next up is the topic of separation. For us, this one is pretty basic. Alexis and I have spent approximately 22 months apart in our ten years of marriage, not including some weekend drills and shorter overnights. We have had to endure one 7-month stretch, a 10.5-month stretch, and several 2-3-month ones in between. Many people here say they get overwhelmed by the time they have to endure apart from their spouses. We have a lot of practice with this, so this isn’t a struggle I have faced while at seminary. Quite frankly, Alexis is around way more than he ever has been. Even though this hasn't been a personal struggle for us if you're going to journey into the world of ministry, prepare for separation. We are soaking in all the family time we can get because we know when we leave here, there is a very good chance he will take a deployment after graduation, and once he gets to work as a Chaplain, God willing, he will be busy serving his unit.

Outlook

Our general outlook, which I largely attribute to our journey with the military, has allowed us to trust in life and God’s guidance. We know we must do *our* due diligence, but ultimately, life will throw some curve balls. It will challenge us in many good and bad ways, and the best thing we can do is spiritually prepare ourselves to handle it all gracefully.

We have cultivated a go-with-the-flow attitude thanks to Army life, and while it can sometimes get frustrating, we also love our life in the military and wouldn’t trade it, so we have chosen to embrace it. It only gets difficult when people outside the military want answers we can’t provide. The military has enabled us to live more in the present because we have had to learn to relinquish control. This lack of control allows us to practice obedience and humility, nurturing the soul.

So here we are, trudging through the murky waters of seminary, trying to make sense of everything but taking solace in believing that this is where we are meant to be. God has prepared us through practice and will continue to form us as we charge on.

This proud military wife thanks you for listening.

Sending lots of love from PA,

The Clods 🧡